


Starting Over

by felisblanco



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-08
Updated: 2005-09-08
Packaged: 2018-10-20 02:55:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10653459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felisblanco/pseuds/felisblanco
Summary: Spike and Angel make their way to Rome after NFA.





	Starting Over

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I wrote for [](http://stars91.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://stars91.livejournal.com/)**stars91** to thank her for her contribution to the victims of Katrina. She wanted a S/B/A set after NFA and after some abandoned trials this is what my very strange brain came up with. I hope it doesn't disappoint, darling, and thank you again for allowing me to do this small thing to help.  
>  Angel might be a bit inspired by [](http://incasink.livejournal.com/profile)[**incasink**](http://incasink.livejournal.com/) 's characterisation of him. I hope you don't mind. Thanks to [](http://cyberwitch13666.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://cyberwitch13666.livejournal.com/)**cyberwitch13666** for looking it over.

Angel doesn’t like the dark. It scares him, his head filling the shadowed corners with monsters and demons he knows can’t exist. Not even under the safety of his blanket does he manage to push those petrifying images away, images so vivid it’s like they’re memories and not just creatures from his nightmares.

“Spike!” His voice shivers and he pulls the blanket tighter around him. “Spike! The light! The light is gone!”

“Sshh, pet. It’s all right. Power’s out. I’ve got some candles right here. You like candles, remember?”

Does he? He frowns, trying to find the right feeling to associate with candles. Then there’s the sound of a match being struck and he remembers. Yes, he likes candles. He watches the tiny flame grow bigger, then another is added and another until the room is lit in a yellow light of burning wax. He likes the way the flames dance even if they make the shadows seem even more alive but Spike has told him monsters don’t like fire so he knows he’s safe as long as he keeps close to it.

“Better?”

He nods. “Yeah.” The mattress feels soft underneath him and his eyes drift shut. It’s ok. He has his blanket and there are candles and Spike’s lying beside him stroking his hair.

\----

Angel doesn’t like the aeroplane. It makes horrible noises and his stomach does flip flops as it rises toward the sky. He tries to remember why they’re on it. Something about Italy.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are we going?”

“I told you. Italy. Now be still.”

Spike gets irritated when he asks too many questions. Pouting slightly Angel stares out the window. It’s dark and he can see the stars. They’re pretty.

\----------

Angel doesn’t like Rome. People yell a lot and honk the horns of their cars. Also it’s too hot. And everything looks really old. Someone should get rid of all those stupid ruins and build proper buildings.

But most of all he doesn’t like Rome because it makes Spike distracted and grumpy. And he keeps staring after blond women. Maybe he’s tired of him? Maybe he’s had enough of his ‘endless bloody questions about stupid things.’ Maybe he doesn’t like Angel anymore?

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to leave me?”

Spike stops and stares at him. Then he pulls him in and kisses him hard. It makes him tingle all over and he wishes they were back at their hotel room.

“I’ll never leave you. Never!”

He looks angry but his words hold that special tone that tells Angel he’s ‘just a bit knackered, pet’ and he smiles and squeezes his hand. “Ok.”

\------------

Angel doesn’t like this girl. She keeps staring at him, eyes big and wet, lips turned in a strange scowl. She twists her hands together and she seems angry at Spike. Something about him being dead which is just stupid because he obviously isn’t.

“Spike?”

“Not now, Angel. We’re talking.”

He pouts and looks around. He’s hungry.

“Spike?”

But Spike pays no attention, he just talks to that stupid girl with her stupid hair and now he’s holding her hand!

“Spike!”

“I said not now!”

“But…”

“Bugger it! Can’t you understand that I’m…?” Spike stops. Then he stands up, the girl’s hand slipping from his fingers, and walks over, crouching by his side. “Sshh, it’s all right. I’m not angry. I just need to talk to the girl, pet. Can you please let me do that?”

He reaches up and strokes Angel’s cheek and when he pulls away his fingertips are wet. Angel blinks. Was he crying again?

“I’m hungry.”

“I’ll find us something in a minute. Ok?”

“Ok.”

\------------

Angel doesn’t like this place. It’s filled with girls who smell like food and men who smell like enemies. No one seems to like him so he decides he won’t like them either.

They do have nice food though. This red liquid doesn’t make him gag.

One day Spike takes him into a room where there are men in white coats. They scare him but Spike holds his hand and tells him everything is all right. They poke him in all kind of places and ask him stupid questions about his name and how many fingers they’re holding up.

The girl is there too, staring.

He’s very happy when they finally get out of there and he takes Spike’s hand, wishing he’d kiss him but he doesn’t. Come to think of it Spike hasn’t kissed him once since they came here. They even sleep in separate beds now although in the same room.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you still love me?”

He hadn’t noticed the people around them until they all stop and stare at him. The girl’s there too, staring at him with big round eyes. He turns to Spike, wondering if he’s done something wrong. “Spike?”

Spike only glances quickly at the girl before turning to him. He tilts his head and gives him that smile that makes the whole world bright again. “You know I love you, pet. More than anything.”

And then he pulls him close and kisses him and it doesn’t matter that no one else likes him because Spike still loves him and so everything’s alright. When they part he’s panting and Spike has that funny yellow glint in his eyes.

He doesn’t notice the girl’s crying until she wipes her eyes.

\------

Angel doesn’t like being left alone, told to stay in his room while they talk about him. He tries sneaking to the door but Spike always knows and orders him back in. He can hear them though, mostly the girl because she keeps raising her voice, and their words make him feel wrong somehow.

“You can’t use him like that. He doesn’t even know it’s wrong.”

“Wrong? Buffy, you…” Spike’s breathing which usually sooths Angel but now it only makes him nervous. “He’s my Sire, he’s my family. You might not like it but there’s nothing wrong going on here.”

“You’re sleeping with him!”

“Yeah. So?”

“He’s like a child. It’s not right.”

“He’s not a child, Buffy. He’s a 250 year old vampire. He’s scared and confused and yeah, off his bloody rocker but he’s still a man. He has a man’s needs and a man’s feelings. You don’t know what he’s been through, you don’t know anything about us.”

“How can you say that? I love him!”

She does? She doesn’t act like she loves him. She just acts angry.

“Do you? Buffy, he’s not the man you used to know.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Really? Then why is it that we’ve been here three days and still you haven’t spoken a single word to him? He’s afraid of you because he thinks you’re mad at him and he doesn’t even understand why.”

“I’m not… I just don’t know how to approach him. He seems so…”

“He’s still Angel. Except he has no guilt, no anger, not a single bad thought in his head. He can’t remember what he is or any of the things he’s done. He’s pure. Wasn’t that what you wanted?”

“I – I wanted him to be happy.”

He doesn’t like hearing the girl cry. She sounds so lost. He knows Spike might get mad but he opens the door anyway and walks slowly to her. She looks up at him with red tinted eyes and he frowns. He thinks he remembers her from a dream but she wasn’t like this. She was smiling and there was sunshine in her hair. He misses sunshine. Spike says sunshine will get him sick. It’s one of those things that make him sad so Angel doesn’t mention it again.

“It’s ok… Buffy.” He tries it out, how it rolls of his tongue. It’s a strange name, sounds a bit like beef or buffalo. “I am happy. Spike makes me happy. Don’t cry.”

She stares up at him. Tears are running down her face and he reaches out and brushes them off with his fingers the way Spike does when his own face gets wet. She leans slightly into his touch and he lets his fingers rest on her face. It’s a pretty face, or would be if it wasn’t all red and shiny with puffed eyes. It makes her nose look big.

He smiles at her reassuringly. “I won’t be afraid of you, ok?”

“Angel…”

Spike’s voice sounds stern but she grabs Angel’s hand and presses it against her cheek. “I’d like that very much. I’m sorry if I’ve been scary, I didn’t mean to be.”

“Ok.”

She smiles and he smiles back. Good. Everyone is happy again. Then her face goes serious again. “Angel, do you remember me at all?”

She sounds so sad that he wants to make her happy again. “Sunshine. I remember sunshine in your hair. And sand under my toes. Yes!”

He looks triumphantly at Spike but he’s shaking his head. “No, Angel. Remember what I told you about the sun? You can’t go into the sun; you’ve never been able to. It must have been a dream.”

He frowns and looks over at the girl but she only nods sadly. Not a real memory. Just a dream. He doesn’t know why but the thought makes him feel sad in his heart. “Never?”

Spike hesitates. “No, never. I’m sorry, pet. Must have been a nice dream though.”

“Yeah.” He frowns “I remember ice cream.”

“We had some yesterday.”

“Oh.”

But something is telling him that isn’t the ice cream he remembers. He’s pretty sure they ate vanilla but what he remembers is chocolate and mint.

\-------------------

Angel doesn’t like waking up alone in his bed. Rolling over and finding no one beside him makes him feel small. There’s a light shining through the door and he gets up and tiptoes towards it. He can hear a familiar sound and when he peeks through the crack he sees Spike standing in the middle of the living room, his back turned. He opens his mouth to call his name but then he turns slightly and in his arms is a small blond girl. They’re kissing.

He stumbles back, crashing into the bedside table and lands on his butt. It hurts but he doesn’t care because the pain in his chest is so much worse.

“Angel?”

“No!”

Spike is crouching beside him, stroking his neck. “Pet, I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

He doesn’t answer just curls up and cries. He’s never felt so bad in all his life. Spike doesn’t love him anymore. He loves the blond girl with her big eyes and pouty lips.

“No. I love you. I don’t love anyone but you. I’m so sorry. Angel, look at me.”

“I should go.” Her voice is low and shaky.

‘Yes, go and never come back,’ he wants to say but Spike looks up at her and says, “No, wait.”

“But he’s…”

“Please.”

Angel sneaks a look to see her nodding and sitting down on Spike’s bed, the one he abandoned for Angel’s bed many nights ago. Spike gives her a grateful smile and Angel closes his eyes again. He doesn’t even open them when Spike starts kissing him, his forehead, his cheeks, his lips.

“Angel, please look at me. I love you but she needs me, ok?”

“I need you.”

“I know. I know, luv. I’m not leaving you for her or for anyone.”

“You were kissing her.”

Spike sighs and strokes his hair back. “Yeah, I was. I shouldn’t have.”

He buries his face in Spike’s neck. He smells of her. “I don’t like her anymore.”

Spike gives him a short laugh. “Yes, you do. And she likes you very much.”

He frowns. She likes him? She’s not angry anymore but she looks sad every time she looks at him. “As much as she likes you?”

“Much more. She always did.”

That makes no sense but he opens his eyes anyway and shoots a glance at her. She’s sitting there, legs tugged under her, cheeks flushed. She smells strange.

“But she wasn’t kissing me.”

Spike stills. Then he looks up at the girl and now he’s the one looking sad. “Yes, she was. It’s always been you, Angel.”

The girl opens her mouth but then she closes it again. She looks like a sad goldfish.

“But you kissed her as you. Not as me.”

“Yes.” Now Spike sounds even sadder.

It’s all too confusing. His head hurts, his butt hurts and his heart is still aching. “I want to go to bed.”

“Ok, luv.”

“With you.”

“Sure.”

He looks over at the girl. She looks lost, the way he feels when Spike is gone somewhere. “She can stay if she wants.”

Spike glances at her. “I’m not sure...”

But she stands up and gives him a small smile. “Thank you.”

He lies in bed, watching her as she undresses and slips under the covers. Her breasts are small and she has a scar on her neck. It makes his stomach flutter.

“Move over.” Spike sounds grumpy but then he puts his arm around Angel’s waist and kisses him. “Go to sleep now, eh?”

“Ok.”

But he watches the girl toss and turn for an hour before his eyes close.

\---------------

Angel doesn’t like the heat. The night is too warm and he throws off the covers, feeling the pearls of sweat on his skin prickle as they cool. Spike is lying beside him, arm flung across Angel’s chest, nose buried in his neck. His cock is twitching in his sleep, tickling Angel’s thigh. He reaches down and strokes it until it swells and thickens. He wonders if Spike would be grumpy if he woke him up for a little playtime.

A sound from across the room startles him and he looks over to find a pair of eyes staring at him. He’d forgotten about the girl. Her lips are parted and she’s panting softly. He’s about to ask her if something is wrong when Spike starts rubbing against him, muttering in his sleep. Her eyes widen and her legs shift under the covers. He frowns. She has that same look on her face as Spike when he caught Angel pulling on his cock once when he came home. It had made him all excited and he’d called him a ‘wicked boy’ and then he’d kissed him really hard. Thinking of what happened next makes his cock harden even further and he smiles at the girl. ‘I know what you’re doing. Wicked. You’re wicked.’

Eyes locked with hers he nudges Spike over on his back. Then he smiles playfully at the girl before leaning over and running the tip of his tongue over a pink nipple. Spike’s gasp echoes across the room. He sucks the nub briefly before turning to the other one. It’s funny the way they change from being flat and soft to being hard and round.

Spike’s skin tastes salty and sweet. He could lick it all day. But there’s one place that tastes even better and he slides down the bed, eyes on his target. He glances up at the girl before he gets to work. Her eyes glitter in the dark. Her breath is shallow and she’s perfectly still except for a small movement under the cover. He gives her another grin then stretches out his tongue and gives Spike’s cock a slow lick all the way to the tip.

There’s a drop hanging on the edge of the slit and he licks it off, smacking his lips around the taste before letting the shaft slide into his mouth.

“Mmm, you sure know how to bid a bloke good morning.”

Slender fingers run through his hair and he smiles around the swelling head. “Eeah?”

“Yeah. Come here.” Spike tugs gently at his hair and he crawls up for a kiss. His own cock slaps against Spike’s erection, making him moan into his mouth. Spike laughs softly and strokes his hair. “Couldn’t sleep, eh?”

“Too hot. Right…erm… Buffy?”

Spike goes absolutely still beneath him and he shrinks back. Did he do something wrong again? Worried he looks over at the other bed just as Spike turns his head the same way. She is still lying there, propped up on her pillow, but there’s no movement beneath the covers now. But her cheeks are flushed red and he can smell her sweat along with that sweet aroma.

“Yes. It’s very hot.”

“Buffy…” Spike’s voice sounds strange, almost as if he’s afraid but she looks over at him and licks her lips.

“It’s all right, Spike. I… I don’t mind.”

Slowly she pushes away the covers and stands up. She’s only wearing her bra now, she must have lost her panties during the night. He used to do that all the time and in the end he just stopped wearing them. Sometimes he forgets to wear underwear during the day as well. Spike likes that.

He’s not sure Spike likes this though. He’s all tense but he doesn’t push Angel away, in fact his fingers tighten even more in his hair.

“Buffy?”

Maybe Spike has trouble remembering her name too. She’s standing by the bed now and the sweet smell is getting stronger and stronger. He can see wetness glittering in the curls between her legs and he reaches out, gathering the drops on his fingers. As he brushes her hot skin lightly she lets lose a low whimper.

“Buffy, we really shouldn’t…” Spike’s voice is shaking but his cock keeps bouncing against Angel’s thigh.

“No. Probably not. But I want to.” She takes one step closer, her thighs now pressed against the side of the bed. “Please?”

Angel shifts his eyes from one to the other, not sure what they’re talking about. Then it dawns on him and he smiles. “She can play too, if she wants. I don’t mind.”

She looks taken aback, uncertainty filling her eyes. “Play? Oh God.”

She takes a step back but Spike reaches out and takes her hand. “He’s not a child, Buffy. I promise you. He likes sex. It makes him feel good, right?”

He smiles at Angel who smiles back and briefly closes his eyes. “Yeah. Sex is good. I could have sex all day and still want more.”

“That’s right, pet.” Spike laughs softly and runs his fingers down his back. “Insatiable you are. You wear your old man out.”

“This feels wrong.” The girl doesn’t move further away though and her heartbeat is quickening.

Spike looks at her like he’s not sure what to say but Angel’s tired of waiting and leans down, nuzzling at his neck. Spike loves when he licks his neck, especially that faint scar he has. It looks a lot like the one the girl has he suddenly realises. It puzzles him but then Spike shifts and moans underneath him and he forgets all about it. They kiss and Spike rubs his thigh up against Angel’s cock. It feels so good. Sometimes he comes just from Spike rubbing him. Sometimes he comes just from seeing the glint in his eyes.

He doesn’t even notice the bed dipping, he’s too busy licking his way down Spike’s chest, but when he looks up Spike and the girl are kissing. This time it doesn’t make him feel pain in his heart, instead it gives him that funny feeling in his stomach that he loves so much. He slides further down, until he reaches Spike’s cock and resumes his licking.

The girl is moving and he looks up to see her straddling Spike’s waist, her smooth bottom right in front of his nose. She smells faintly of soap. Intrigued he sits up. Her skin looks so soft. He leans over and kisses between her shoulder blades, the tiny hairs on her back tickling his lips. When she reaches up and pulls his head down for a kiss he thinks that maybe Spike is right. Maybe she does like him after all.

\----------------

Angel likes lazy mornings. Snuggling up against Spike, the girl - Buffy, her name is Buffy – on the other side of him, their fingers braided together on Spike’s chest. Their legs are entangled, the only way he can distinguish Buffy’s from Spike’s is by the warmth of her skin. Her blond hair is tangled on her pillow. She looks pretty. He tries to remember what colour her eyes are. Spike’s eyes are blue. His own are brown, Spike told him that. He’s never seen them himself but Spike says they’re nice. Actually he called them bedroom eyes and laughed.

Angel likes this bedroom. The bed could be bigger though. He wonders if she’s gonna sleep with them every night now. He doesn’t mind, except that he can’t really move around without either pushing her off the edge or falling himself. Yeah, a bigger bed would be a good idea. And a TV. He’d like to watch TV in bed. Action movies make him sleepy.

Angel likes watching their faces while they sleep. They both look very young but he knows Spike is almost a hundred years older than her. He’s not sure he’s supposed to know that but Spike mutters when he’s grumpy and Angel is good at keeping quiet and listening. He also knows he’s a vampire although he’s not sure what that means. They both are. Vampires. Angel is even older although he feels a lot younger. Especially since he can’t remember anything since before last spring. Something happened but Spike doesn’t want to talk about it. Angel just remembers waking up in a bed wearing dirty clothes and clutching a t-shirt to his chest. It had blood on it and for some reason he felt as if he’d lost a part of himself. He just couldn’t remember which one.

Angel likes this feeling of belonging. It was good when it was just Spike and him but now it feels more like family. He has a feeling he had a family once. Maybe he had parents. Maybe he had a wife. Sometimes he dreams of a baby. It smells sweet and is so soft when he kisses its cheek. Those nights Spike shakes him awake and kisses the tears of his face. Strange that dreams can make him so sad. Reality almost never makes him sad.

Angel likes his life. He knows there’s something wrong, something missing in his head but he doesn’t mind. He’s no idea what it is so he can’t really be bothered to care about it. He can feel the heat from the sun soaking through the curtains but that’s as near as he’ll get to it. He promised Spike and he keeps his promises. But just feeling the heat makes him happy. Maybe today they can get ice cream again. Gelato. That’s what they call it here. Funny word.

He turns away from the window as he hears sounds of yawning and then kissing from the bedroom. Finally they’re awake. He lets his fingers linger on the warm material a little longer before he goes to join them. There's a smile tugging at his lips. He's feeling playful.

fin

 

 


End file.
